To be or not to be in “the zone”

I recently started an Experiment. Fits and starts is actually more like it. I even made sure to capitalize the E. That would make me do it! I decided to:

  1. Go on a cleanse. Meaning, for me, a self-designed “program”. Again, I used that particular word in the hopes it would strengthen my Great Intention. For however long I can, it was simply, I’m gonna just eat veggies (raw, juice, salads, soups) and fruits and a vegan protein shake with almond milk and chia seeds. I also decided to allow myself some sweet fixes like a few ginger chewies and one or two pieces of dark chocolate. The thought of not having even a tiny sweet fix is just a little too much to take right now.  I didn’t have a deadline or end date. This time, I wanted to keep going past a day or two, which I’d never done before. I wanted to see, how healthy I could really get? What if I just keep going? What kind of miracles await me?
  2.  And meditate for an hour every day. I’ve already been meditating on and off since I was 27, but in the last year or so had made a better effort to do it almost every morning for, well, at least five minutes, sometimes twenty, twenty being the goal, but sometimes, mostly ten or fifteen.

The first few days, wow, I did it! I was pretty amazed about the cleanse part. I actually only ate veggies and fruit and shakes the first two, and felt incredible (more on that later), but then a little slip here and there but pretty good. The point was though, I didn’t exactly stick to it wholeheartedly. So, after a week, I started again. Every morning in fact, I decided, I would just keep starting again, until. Like when you first start riding a bike. You gotta fall off a few times, before you can just ride.

So now I’m on New Day 12. On Day 10, I fell off the wagon. To most people it wouldn’t seem like overeating. I already eat really healthy, have been mostly vegan for the last four years or so. Oh lord, plant-based if the V word turns you off. Believe me, I understand (more later). But I do go off it. The point is, I fell off the wagon of keeping my word to myself. But I also decided from that, ok, every 10 days I’ll have a cheat day!

Normally, in all my life, the way I would respond to letting myself down would be the usual default pattern of most humans – berate myself, both consciously and subconsciously, and sabotage my progress and my improving self-esteem with all sorts of destructive thoughts and behaviors. I won’t get into my past here, that’s for another time. Yes, you’ll have to just get on with your life until then. But this time, and this had almost everything to do with the increase in meditation, I decided I would not beat myself up. I would really catch (was getting better at this now) when I would find myself feeling in a weird/shitty mood. I was becoming more able to pin-point the first thoughts that led to it, that very slow and painful process of going from feeling great to, just a few moments later, being in a fog of confusion about why I’d suddenly succumb to doubt and fear.

I started saying “I forgive myself”. What a concept. How obvious yet so very hard for most of us.  I decided that would be my new mantra, all day long. When noticing falling into my old patterns of saying any variation to myself of “I can’t believe I just said that/acted like that/did that”, “I can’t believe I’m still (fill in the blank), “I’m so (fill in the blank)”, “I might never (fill in the blank).”, “what if I’m always going to (fill in the blank)” etc, I’d stop and say, “I forgive myself”. It seems so trite, maybe, but only if you’re just hearing those words and you’re not actually doing it. What would it take to actually, truly, forgive yourself for every self-defeating thought? Go sit on a park bench like Eckhart and ponder that for a few years, you won’t be disappointed.

Of course I know, these seemingly demonic habits are universal. The suffering we inflict on ourselves on a daily basis, which most of us aren’t even aware of most of the time, is beyond any we can inflict on others. And even just that, realizing everyone does it; “it’s not just me, I’m not crazy” is the beginning of climbing back up.

So today, I started out with an idea of what I wanted to get done on my day off. Actually, it was the intention I set yesterday. But, inevitably, on the actual day, today, I didn’t feel the same way I felt when I made my precious list. Shocking! I was low energy and uninspired. In fact, this post is still reflecting that feeling. It’s kind of forced and awkward and not flowing. Yet, I soldier on!

I did get my workout in, but I ended up just doing grocery shopping and cooking and prepping my food for dinner and for all day tomorrow and some of the next. Now, getting my workout in (more on that later too), didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment because it’s just part of my routine now. Before you think…oh, who cares what you think, right? Just saying, it’s taken me years to get to that point where “working out”, blech, is actually something I want to do. You have no idea (just one more, more on that later!). But this was the mindset I was in today – that I need to “accomplish, make it happen!”. When I started noticing my resistance to doing the one thing I really want to do, the one thing I told myself I should do, the creeping fog of self doubt started to emerge. So that’s the habit, if I don’t do the thing I told myself I’d do, I can’t even give myself credit for doing something that to some people would be a major accomplishment, working out. “Eh, but there’s so much more I’m supposed to be doing” *whine, sulk…The slippery slope began.

And yet. It ended there. I decided, if I’m not going to do the thing I really want to do, actually had convinced myself I should do, I can at least meditate again. I decided, I’m going to go for a full hour. This is something I’d only ever done once before, and that was a few days ago. I’d already meditated 20 minutes this morning. Again, hey, something I can now give myself credit for! So I thought, ok, if nothing else, get this done. Just do it.

I did. And something was lifted, something always is. (More on that later, especially). But my point is, I hoped it would put me back in the flow, in the zone of letting my thoughts pour out of me into inspired revelations of power and creativity! But, like those first few attempts at a bike, fits and starts. I do feel so much better. What is that? What exactly feels better? How I’m thinking about myself. I got a glimpse of who I really am. Everything. So how can All That Is judge and criticize this silly little personality? It, I, can’t. But my silly little personality is stil very much fighting for breath.

So that’s where I am right now. Better after I meditated for an hour, much more calm and allowing of myself just as I am, but also not quite feeling that high that I know I can feel. That’s the striving though, and there is no way to that feeling. It either is or it isn’t. Trying to feel it is just another addiction, and the beginning of another, and another. But this time, learning to allow myself to be and feel everything that’s in me, is also exactly right, the greatest lesson, and as it should be. To live by the words of my all time favorite song, Let It Be.

And hey, at least I stuck to my cleanse. Ok I didn’t do the one thing I told myself I’d do. Oh wait, I kinda did. But I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, I wasn’t in the flow of joy and ease when I did it! Oh jesus, listen to myself. It really is ridiculous, what we put ourselves through.

And what was the thing I told myself I’d do today, that I didn’t do? I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, but screw it all to hell, I DID DO IT?

Write.

First Post!

Ok, so this has been years in the making. Why? Because I’ve been blocked creatively and unable to get clarity on who the hell I am (well actually I’m ok with not knowing) and what I want to do, that I just couldn’t decide to do even one thing.

“It’s not that we don’t have anything to say, it’s that we have an infinite amount of things to say” – Somebody Awesome Who Said That Sometime. But so did someone else. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.

Overwhelmed at the choices, that’s how it’s felt. And not only into infinity of possible things to talk about (like that’s not crippling enough), but there’s also an infinite amount of perspectives and angles (just my own!) that I could express those ideas from. All depending on where I am, how I’m feeling, at the moment. Yes I have narrowed it down to some key things to start with, I do have ideas that I’m excited to share with you, dear human. But the planning and getting it right and deciding which thing to start with, that’s what’s kept me from not starting. So right now I’m just starting, without knowing where it’s going to lead.

This morning I decided “ooh yeah, I’ll start with that idea! Today’s the day.” And now that idea is not the thing I’m starting with because I just want to have some goddamn fun doing this and not knowing what I’m going to say. That’s what I want most of all. I’m realizing lately how I’ve never really fully allowed myself to play. Having fun isn’t part of my day to day existence. It never really has been. It’s been rare, way too rare. I’ve been too busy analyzing and planning and worrying. And to me, the idea of fun translates, right now that is, to being free and unstuck. By what? By caring about what other people think! That must be it. That’s what’s at the bottom of so much of our anxiety, if we really keep going with the layers of feelings of unworthiness/what’s wrong with me? problems etc., we find so much of it comes down to, “what does the world think of me? I just want to be accepted! But I don’t deserve it because I’m, well, uh, I did this one thing once, my parents didn’t show me, I never learned, I don’t know what I’m doing, who am I?!” That kind of universal angst.  The thing I want most in the world is to learn how to not give a fuck.

Of course, we all do give a fuck. How can we not? I’ve generally thought of myself as someone who was pretty real overall, not phony like “that person, I’m so much more evolved than that. How sad that some people care so much what other people think of them”. And of course, that observation of someone else, that critique really, is simply of myself. Of “myself, pushed out”, as Neville Goddard would say.

There, I’ve already mentioned one of the most influential people in my life right now, whom I’ve never met and whom (who?) is dead. But also here. I will talk about them (him?) later.

But right now, hell, I’m writing! Finally. And I just found out it’s the Summer Solstice today. The longest day of the year. Perfect, as the process of me finally getting to this point seems like the longest life of my existence, and since I’ve existed through infinity itself, and so have you, and since I am you, and you are me (just a preview of a tangent of one place I’m really probably going with this thing), that’s a hell of a long time. But it’s also all happening right now, a long time is only in my mind of course. I can change who I am in a flash, as I can be all of it, and so can you.

This is my first entry of what I’m feeling, I don’t know for sure, I don’t think, just feel, is the start of something huge. I actually put my fingers on the keyboard and started a blog; but more importantly, took the risk to share it with the world. The hardest thing in the world, to the old me. The old me exists within the new me, and I do know she will continue to be there probably also into infiity (unless infinity only exists in this realm, maybe there really is an actual wall at the end of the Universe…until then). But today I’ve decided to love her and I also say hello to the new me. The latest me, that is. The latest me just speaks her mind and lets it out first, without thinking, without planning. That me was always there and I’m so glad to meet her, in this particular body, at this particular nanosecond in time.

So here I go, there’s so much to expand upon and so many ways I could edit this and re-read it and keep going and make it better. But that’s what’s held me back before, needing it to be perfect before I just start. So I’m just starting. Hallelujah! Thank you Tom Cruise! Thank you Oprah Winfrey! And Will Ferrell! (If you get that joke I really hope you keep reading, you’re my people. If you don’t, get the hell out. Just kidding, I love you.)

Happy Living Your Life as Who You Really Are Day! Let’s make it every day! (This message brought to you by someone who’s in the zone, and that will change too of course, and I’m ok with that. Stay tuned.)