21 Days, Day 3 – uh oh

“Oops, I did it again!” It’s astonishing really, how many times we make a decision, a declaration, such as, “this time I’m doing it, goddammit, as God is my witness, I’ll never (fill in the blank) again!” And then, uh oh, we do. “I’ll only be (fill in the blank) from now on!” And then, uh oh, we aren’t. I decided on Sunday, day before yesterday, again. I made a promise to myself.

And then yesterday, on Day 2, I got a bug, I felt a little sick. I woke up all puffy and achey. But because I’d made my declaration to myself, I ignored that I was actually feeling sick. “Nah, just temporary, you’re not sick, you just feel off, this is your battle, your challenge, push through it!”. And I went to class, my daily workout. This was just one little part of my declaration, my Grand Plan to be the person I dream of being, now. Then, though 95% of the time I feel great after moving my body in the way my former Dancer self used to, and it makes me stronger and more determined in my new decisions and declarations, this time, hmm, I still didn’t feel so good. Dammit! Why can’t I just keep going with my awesome self and go to my favorite cafe and write all day, on this precious day off, like I was planning to! Why am I sabotaging myself, again?

But that right there, assuming I’m sabotaging myself, that’s the pattern. I’m feeling great and then boom, some type of doubt or fear comes up. It’s either in the form of something on the outside happening that I have to stop everything and deal with, which then seemingly takes me off my path. Or more often than not, something on the inside happens. Like I feel sick, which translates to weak, which translates to “see, you can’t keep up that power, that strength you thought you had, this new life, new person you want to be, it’s just too hard, there’s too many things to overcome, I’ve spent too many years doing this over and over, I really don’t know if I can change in the fundamental, earth shattering way I will need to in order to change my life”.

All this comes from a belief that I’m sabotaging myself; which, on the one hand, on a surface level, on the level that my Little Me mind can recognize, I am. My Little Me mind has grown up and is at the stage where at least it can see my patterns of letting myself down. From a psychological perspective, it’s a pattern of believing I sabotage myself, of knowing that this is a pattern we all engage in, in one form or another. Sure, I can leave it at that, understand it, and try again.

But underneath that, is this. My soul, the Spirit that is me, the God that is me, is also whispering to Little Me, and they are having an ongoing conversation. Right now, the God that is me is speaking louder, thank heavens. “No, what you think is your sabotaging pattern is just Me speaking to you. You need not force yourself to do or be anything, you need not have to make it happen, you need not have to change, you need only to see that you already are worthy of all of it, perfect now, and I am giving you what Little Me sees as an obstacle, what Little Me sees as your sabotaging pattern. I take you beneath, to the underworld of doubt and fear, so you can see it for what it is, only that. They are just feelings, feelings that are part of what you chose to experience by coming to Earth. And when you feel it, you then come bounding out and up into your world with more clarity on the next right thing to do, with more strength and power than you actually had before I took you down there, more knowing that you are really Me.

I was, am and will be, giving you these moments, these gifts, every day until you reach the next dimension (the glorious secret I am keeping from you, the best surprise ever!), to have you feel everything there is to feel in this dimension. The more you feel, the more you experience the depths of doubt and fear and the heights of joy and love, the more you know that it is always changing. So, the less you fear the doubt and fear, and the less you attach to the love and joy. You see that you are creating all of it, to simply show you more. You see that doubt and fear and love and joy are equal in their ability to help you expand, which is the only reason you came here. The more you see this, the more love you can have for your doubt and fear, and for your human self. You can then say hello to the doubt and fear and know they are just your friends. They aren’t there to hurt you, they love you. And you learn to love them too. You wouldn’t be able to love them if you weren’t already Love, the more free you become, the more you see that you and I are One.”

So my lesson given to me today by my Creator, by the Creator that is me, is that no, getting sick and not working out, breaking my cleanse slightly last night by eating to push down the doubt and fear, feeling regret and shame this morning because of it, feeling I’ve fallen back yet again, is not my “sabotaging pattern” at all. It is meant for me, it is my gift to myself, because look, had I not gone on yet another dive into the underworld, whether in a few seconds or a few days or weeks, I wouldn’t have seen this truth. And I wouldn’t have written these very words.

21 Days, Day 1

August 13th, 4:30pm

“It takes 21 days to break a habit”. I’m making another decision. I just wrote about this in my journal which I can already tell is the beginning of my show and my book. But here, I just want to have a daily document of the beginning of my true transformation. All the reasons why I have made this first thing, this initial 21 days, to be solely focused on my body; what I put into it and what I don’t, and what I require of it physically. I will tell you about why it’s #1 in detail later, in the coming posts.

But right now, I must complete today’s first task. Well, second. The first one is done. I meditated for an hour. Now I go outside to move my body. Today it’s not a class or two like it will be almost every other day, today is hiking the hill, among the trees, by walking out my front door and going. I am setting myself free. And you are coming with me.

 

 

The Day Everything Changed

Today, in an instant, the voice that had been whispering “go to that event in LA, you know you want to, have an adventure, screw the fear and the so-called reasons why you can’t”, sat up, took charge and, after a few months, it finally commanded, “GO!”. I respectfully answered, “ok, thank you.”

I had been shooting that voice down left and right with doubt. Those doubts are part of the story of who I *think” I am. But who I am is always changing. Who I am now knows more, trusts more, I am not the person I even was yesterday. Today, I chose to be the person I want to be. I decided to make her voice louder than the doubts I’ve had my whole life.

Yesterday I’d decided I wanted to use this blog as a document. I wanted to have proof later, show a record, of my transformation. I am going through a metamorphosis of massive proportions. I ended up not writing about that here, but instead kept following my nose to something that was right in front of me. The unfolding was happening so fast I didn’t want to stop it by even trying to put it into words. I just kept listening and watching the movie of my life unfold. It told me secrets yesterday that I hadn’t heard before. And it was giving me little clues, little pebbles on the Path to Greatness. I followed them.

And today, I am taking a leap of faith. That is the person I’ve dreamed of being. It’s not out there in the future. It’s here. It’s already arrived. And I shall be telling you all about this journey in the coming days, weeks, months.

Transformation is now. There’s twists and turns, it’s blurry up ahead, you’re not sure what’s real or a mirage, and there’s a steep fall to your right. Stay on the road and keep adjusting your vision. The way will be made. It’s right there in front of you. You are it.

 

Alien babies

I’m noticing there is a dread of this moment. On second thought, of course, it is all the moments before this, before I start. All day there were things that popped into my head, and then the inner judge, who is interestingly getting kinder, says “that’s an idea, yes you want to talk about that, good”. But then, if I make a note of that idea, and I have to leave the balm of expressing it to go do the stuff of the day, like work and errands, and I don’t immediately go with it by writing more than just one sentence, there is a feeling of anxiety that I’m trying to put a name to right now.

One part is that it will leave, which is a very common occurrence. The more time that goes by before I can sit and throw it in the mixer, jumble it around in my mind on the page and sweep it into actual words, with each passing hour that I haven’t gotten it out, I feel more nervous, irritable and tired. I then want to escape from that feeling, so then will turn to a distraction. Then I notice that all that time that’s gone by being aware that I’m not getting whatever it is out,  I could have actually sat down to do it.

But there were things I had to do! There are only so many hours in the day and I gotta pay the bills. And so, I’m going to punish myself for doing what I have to do because I’m not doing what I want to do, and even though that’s crazy, that’s actually where the downward spiral of resistance to doing it begins. I’m realizing I’m mad at myself, something I wasn’t even conscious of until now that’s actually saying to me I’m wrong or bad for not getting it out and expressing it, so I must not be worthy of it. Oh and the other ingredient in the self-beratement canon, it’s my fault. But it’s not a voice even, more like a net enshrouding me in shame; I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. And I’m not even aware of this at the time. I’m just feeling off about myself in some way. I’m in doubt. That doubt is what prevents the antidote, just sitting and writing. Because now it’s turned into another thing I have to do, something difficult, something I don’t want to do anymore.

But this right here, talking it out to myself in the moment, this flow of Source is my friend. And I’d been thinking of it more like the movie ‘Alien’, this terrorizing monster that’s been in me and the process of getting it out, so I can be ok again, is going to be torture. I’ve turned the idea of this, right here, into my enemy. But look, there is an energy that’s causing my mind and fingers to move in harmony along the keyboard. Yet it’s not even linked to my body or my mind. It’s the something else I can’t exactly define.

It has transmuted from this alien baby gnarling to be born and destroy it’s host in the process, into this gentle breeze that’s whispering “you’re doing it, look at you, I’m here anytime you’re ready, no pressure, no big deal”. Then when I listen to it, like just now, it turns into a waterfall. Now it’s the river below, and will continue on downstream, pushed along by the breeze, until it becomes a waterfall again. No alien babies anywhere in sight.

To be or not to be in “the zone”

I recently started an Experiment. Fits and starts is actually more like it. I even made sure to capitalize the E. That would make me do it! I decided to:

  1. Go on a cleanse. Meaning, for me, a self-designed “program”. Again, I used that particular word in the hopes it would strengthen my Great Intention. For however long I can, it was simply, I’m gonna just eat veggies (raw, juice, salads, soups) and fruits and a vegan protein shake with almond milk and chia seeds. I also decided to allow myself some sweet fixes like a few ginger chewies and one or two pieces of dark chocolate. The thought of not having even a tiny sweet fix is just a little too much to take right now.  I didn’t have a deadline or end date. This time, I wanted to keep going past a day or two, which I’d never done before. I wanted to see, how healthy I could really get? What if I just keep going? What kind of miracles await me?
  2.  And meditate for an hour every day. I’ve already been meditating on and off since I was 27, but in the last year or so had made a better effort to do it almost every morning for, well, at least five minutes, sometimes twenty, twenty being the goal, but sometimes, mostly ten or fifteen.

The first few days, wow, I did it! I was pretty amazed about the cleanse part. I actually only ate veggies and fruit and shakes the first two, and felt incredible (more on that later), but then a little slip here and there but pretty good. The point was though, I didn’t exactly stick to it wholeheartedly. So, after a week, I started again. Every morning in fact, I decided, I would just keep starting again, until. Like when you first start riding a bike. You gotta fall off a few times, before you can just ride.

So now I’m on New Day 12. On Day 10, I fell off the wagon. To most people it wouldn’t seem like overeating. I already eat really healthy, have been mostly vegan for the last four years or so. Oh lord, plant-based if the V word turns you off. Believe me, I understand (more later). But I do go off it. The point is, I fell off the wagon of keeping my word to myself. But I also decided from that, ok, every 10 days I’ll have a cheat day!

Normally, in all my life, the way I would respond to letting myself down would be the usual default pattern of most humans – berate myself, both consciously and subconsciously, and sabotage my progress and my improving self-esteem with all sorts of destructive thoughts and behaviors. I won’t get into my past here, that’s for another time. Yes, you’ll have to just get on with your life until then. But this time, and this had almost everything to do with the increase in meditation, I decided I would not beat myself up. I would really catch (was getting better at this now) when I would find myself feeling in a weird/shitty mood. I was becoming more able to pin-point the first thoughts that led to it, that very slow and painful process of going from feeling great to, just a few moments later, being in a fog of confusion about why I’d suddenly succumb to doubt and fear.

I started saying “I forgive myself”. What a concept. How obvious yet so very hard for most of us.  I decided that would be my new mantra, all day long. When noticing falling into my old patterns of saying any variation to myself of “I can’t believe I just said that/acted like that/did that”, “I can’t believe I’m still (fill in the blank), “I’m so (fill in the blank)”, “I might never (fill in the blank).”, “what if I’m always going to (fill in the blank)” etc, I’d stop and say, “I forgive myself”. It seems so trite, maybe, but only if you’re just hearing those words and you’re not actually doing it. What would it take to actually, truly, forgive yourself for every self-defeating thought? Go sit on a park bench like Eckhart and ponder that for a few years, you won’t be disappointed.

Of course I know, these seemingly demonic habits are universal. The suffering we inflict on ourselves on a daily basis, which most of us aren’t even aware of most of the time, is beyond any we can inflict on others. And even just that, realizing everyone does it; “it’s not just me, I’m not crazy” is the beginning of climbing back up.

So today, I started out with an idea of what I wanted to get done on my day off. Actually, it was the intention I set yesterday. But, inevitably, on the actual day, today, I didn’t feel the same way I felt when I made my precious list. Shocking! I was low energy and uninspired. In fact, this post is still reflecting that feeling. It’s kind of forced and awkward and not flowing. Yet, I soldier on!

I did get my workout in, but I ended up just doing grocery shopping and cooking and prepping my food for dinner and for all day tomorrow and some of the next. Now, getting my workout in (more on that later too), didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment because it’s just part of my routine now. Before you think…oh, who cares what you think, right? Just saying, it’s taken me years to get to that point where “working out”, blech, is actually something I want to do. You have no idea (just one more, more on that later!). But this was the mindset I was in today – that I need to “accomplish, make it happen!”. When I started noticing my resistance to doing the one thing I really want to do, the one thing I told myself I should do, the creeping fog of self doubt started to emerge. So that’s the habit, if I don’t do the thing I told myself I’d do, I can’t even give myself credit for doing something that to some people would be a major accomplishment, working out. “Eh, but there’s so mch more I’m supposed to be doing” *whine, sulk…The slippery slope began.

And yet. It ended there. I decided, if I’m not going to do the thing I really want to do, actually had convinced myself I should do, I can at least meditate again. I decided, I’m going to go for a full hour. This is something I’d only ever done once before, and that was a few days ago. I’d already meditated 20 minutes this morning. Again, hey, something I can now give myself credit for! So I thought, ok, if nothing else, get this done. Just do it.

I did. And something was lifted, something always is. (More on that later, especially). But my point is, I hoped it would put me back in the flow, in the zone of letting my thoughts pour out of me into inspired revelations of power and creativity! But, like those first few attempts at a bike, fits and starts. I do feel so much better. What is that? What exactly feels better? How I’m thinking about myself. I got a glimpse of who I really am. Everything. So how can All That Is judge and criticize this silly little personality? It, I, can’t. But my silly little personality is stil very much fighting for breath.

So that’s where I am right now. Better after I meditated for an hour, much more calm and allowing of myself just as I am, but also not quite feeling that high that I know I can feel. That’s the striving though, and there is no way to that feeling. It either is or it isn’t. Trying to feel it is just another addiction, and the beginning of another, and another. But this time, learning to allow myself to be and feel everything that’s in me, is also exactly right, the greatest lesson, and as it should be. To live by the words of my all time favorite song, Let It Be.

And hey, at least I stuck to my cleanse. Ok I didn’t do the one thing I told myself I’d do. Oh wait, I kinda did. But I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, I wasn’t in the flow of joy and ease when I did it! Oh jesus, listen to myself. It really is ridiculous, what we put ourselves through.

And what was the thing I told myself I’d do today, that I didn’t do? I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, but screw it all to hell, I DID DO IT?

Write.