21 Days, Day 3 – uh oh

“Oops, I did it again!” It’s astonishing really, how many times we make a decision, a declaration, such as, “this time I’m doing it, goddammit, as God is my witness, I’ll never (fill in the blank) again!” And then, uh oh, we do. “I’ll only be (fill in the blank) from now on!” And then, uh oh, we aren’t. I decided on Sunday, day before yesterday, again. I made a promise to myself.

And then yesterday, on Day 2, I got a bug, I felt a little sick. I woke up all puffy and achey. But because I’d made my declaration to myself, I ignored that I was actually feeling sick. “Nah, just temporary, you’re not sick, you just feel off, this is your battle, your challenge, push through it!”. And I went to class, my daily workout. This was just one little part of my declaration, my Grand Plan to be the person I dream of being, now. Then, though 95% of the time I feel great after moving my body in the way my former Dancer self used to, and it makes me stronger and more determined in my new decisions and declarations, this time, hmm, I still didn’t feel so good. Dammit! Why can’t I just keep going with my awesome self and go to my favorite cafe and write all day, on this precious day off, like I was planning to! Why am I sabotaging myself, again?

But that right there, assuming I’m sabotaging myself, that’s the pattern. I’m feeling great and then boom, some type of doubt or fear comes up. It’s either in the form of something on the outside happening that I have to stop everything and deal with, which then seemingly takes me off my path. Or more often than not, something on the inside happens. Like I feel sick, which translates to weak, which translates to “see, you can’t keep up that power, that strength you thought you had, this new life, new person you want to be, it’s just too hard, there’s too many things to overcome, I’ve spent too many years doing this over and over, I really don’t know if I can change in the fundamental, earth shattering way I will need to in order to change my life”.

All this comes from a belief that I’m sabotaging myself; which, on the one hand, on a surface level, on the level that my Little Me mind can recognize, I am. My Little Me mind has grown up and is at the stage where at least it can see my patterns of letting myself down. From a psychological perspective, it’s a pattern of believing I sabotage myself, of knowing that this is a pattern we all engage in, in one form or another. Sure, I can leave it at that, understand it, and try again.

But underneath that, is this. My soul, the Spirit that is me, the God that is me, is also whispering to Little Me, and they are having an ongoing conversation. Right now, the God that is me is speaking louder, thank heavens. “No, what you think is your sabotaging pattern is just Me speaking to you. You need not force yourself to do or be anything, you need not have to make it happen, you need not have to change, you need only to see that you already are worthy of all of it, perfect now, and I am giving you what Little Me sees as an obstacle, what Little Me sees as your sabotaging pattern. I take you beneath, to the underworld of doubt and fear, so you can see it for what it is, only that. They are just feelings, feelings that are part of what you chose to experience by coming to Earth. And when you feel it, you then come bounding out and up into your world with more clarity on the next right thing to do, with more strength and power than you actually had before I took you down there, more knowing that you are really Me.

I was, am and will be, giving you these moments, these gifts, every day until you reach the next dimension (the glorious secret I am keeping from you, the best surprise ever!), to have you feel everything there is to feel in this dimension. The more you feel, the more you experience the depths of doubt and fear and the heights of joy and love, the more you know that it is always changing. So, the less you fear the doubt and fear, and the less you attach to the love and joy. You see that you are creating all of it, to simply show you more. You see that doubt and fear and love and joy are equal in their ability to help you expand, which is the only reason you came here. The more you see this, the more love you can have for your doubt and fear, and for your human self. You can then say hello to the doubt and fear and know they are just your friends. They aren’t there to hurt you, they love you. And you learn to love them too. You wouldn’t be able to love them if you weren’t already Love, the more free you become, the more you see that you and I are One.”

So my lesson given to me today by my Creator, by the Creator that is me, is that no, getting sick and not working out, breaking my cleanse slightly last night by eating to push down the doubt and fear, feeling regret and shame this morning because of it, feeling I’ve fallen back yet again, is not my “sabotaging pattern” at all. It is meant for me, it is my gift to myself, because look, had I not gone on yet another dive into the underworld, whether in a few seconds or a few days or weeks, I wouldn’t have seen this truth. And I wouldn’t have written these very words.

The Day Everything Changed

Today, in an instant, the voice that had been whispering “go to that event in LA, you know you want to, have an adventure, screw the fear and the so-called reasons why you can’t”, sat up, took charge and, after a few months, it finally commanded, “GO!”. I respectfully answered, “ok, thank you.”

I had been shooting that voice down left and right with doubt. Those doubts are part of the story of who I *think” I am. But who I am is always changing. Who I am now knows more, trusts more, I am not the person I even was yesterday. Today, I chose to be the person I want to be. I decided to make her voice louder than the doubts I’ve had my whole life.

Yesterday I’d decided I wanted to use this blog as a document. I wanted to have proof later, show a record, of my transformation. I am going through a metamorphosis of massive proportions. I ended up not writing about that here, but instead kept following my nose to something that was right in front of me. The unfolding was happening so fast I didn’t want to stop it by even trying to put it into words. I just kept listening and watching the movie of my life unfold. It told me secrets yesterday that I hadn’t heard before. And it was giving me little clues, little pebbles on the Path to Greatness. I followed them.

And today, I am taking a leap of faith. That is the person I’ve dreamed of being. It’s not out there in the future. It’s here. It’s already arrived. And I shall be telling you all about this journey in the coming days, weeks, months.

Transformation is now. There’s twists and turns, it’s blurry up ahead, you’re not sure what’s real or a mirage, and there’s a steep fall to your right. Stay on the road and keep adjusting your vision. The way will be made. It’s right there in front of you. You are it.

 

The Forgetting Returns (or so it thinks)

This blog thing is basically my journal right now. Is there something wrong with that? That’s a Little Me question. I don’t have the energy to care. Maybe my age is finally loaning me a favor, thank god. So I fell into the Dark Side again this past week, after having not gone there in quite awhile. I have been going through so many changes within myself that have allowed me to start writing more, meditate more consistently and for much longer than I ever have, and that has helped me to get more attuned to my heart and body and what they really need. I even stepped out and onto the stage of the big bad world to finally express it. I had been making great strides.

Then I had The Fall. The stress and pressure of taking care of my Mom, being her only support in almost every way, came to a head again when I had to spend another entire precious day off dealing with her needs. All of it, the financial pressure, her mental state, her constant and total reliance on me, just hit a boiling point. We got in a big argument and I spent the whole day crying off and on, between the shopping and phone calls and bickering.

We always make up and then it’s better again but this time it took so much out of me that the next two days I was utterly exhausted; cried some more from the stress of it, and my job situation, and my housemate, and underneath that, just wanting to have enough time and energy and clarity to sit down and write. This amounted to me feeling like I went from powerful and exuberant creator the previous week, to whimpering teenager with no confidence or motivation the next. Then I went to work and was so affected by other people’s energies, I came to the conclusion that “I just can’t handle doing this work anymore! I’ve got to change my life!”

But then, just now, it came to me again. Those people’s energies, and the job, only affect me that way when I’m in a doubting, fearful place about myself and my life. In that state, I’d be feeling that way about any job. On the other hand, when I’m trusting, knowing and doing what I need to do outside the work to feel good and excited about what is coming, the job doesn’t affect me at all. In fact, I sometimes enjoy it.

The Forgetting had started to overtake me again last week and Little Me only wanted to just escape, quit. But. I know that right now, that job is the most allowing of me to follow my path as any I could have at the moment. It does drain me often but not always. The thing is, I don’t have to let it. And it does allow for the freedom of saying yes or no to work. I’m not bound to any of it. Quitting and stressing more about money and having to start a whole new job right now would actually only add further stress to my life. It would postpone, yet again, my writing and speaking and being the person I want to be, am, NOW. Quitting would really be my self-sabotage pattern taking over, again.

The reason the job seems, seemed, so crappy, is that I didn’t feel I was strong enough. “I just can’t do it. The Forgetting is too powerful. I don’t like who I am when I’m there, I’m going to run away to the next thing!” That’s what it would be if I quit right now. I’d be running away from myself, not facing what I know I need to do in order to really change – Be my Glorious Goddess Self NOW. That means doing what it takes to treat myself how she deserves to be treated; to feel as her, now. I don’t have to wait for the right circumstances. If that’s what I believe, the right circumstances will never come.

I can do this.

It’s coming, lock your doors…The Forgetting!

I love Aziz Ansari’s show on Netflix, ‘Master of None’. In the last episode of the first season, he’s a struggling actor and is at the premiere of a bad scary movie he has a small part in. He’s invited his friends, is very excited, and before they walk into the theater he plays a game with them, a gotcha joke. “Wait, you guys, I’m not feeling well…I think ‘The Sickening’!.. is happening!” It’s adorable. And that moment is the comedic version of what happens to me, at work.

I’ve had a respite this week, my own little vacation. I purposely didn’t make any plans involving anyone else, I didn’t go out of town. Right now, not filling my precious time off with more stuff to do and people to be with was what I needed most. I decided I would call this my retreat, my sabbatical. I’d make my priorities just meditating, writing, exercising, eating mostly fruits and vegetables, in that order, and refraining from facebooking, netflixing and eating or thinking too much. I used my time wisely, today is my last day off and I’ve made huge strides. I even took huge, scary action. I’m more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been. I’m remembering more consistently who I am. Gosh, this is the life!

And yet tomorrow, I start back up with the jobs. I shall begin the day in the same way as I have been; meditating, writing and exercising. But then. Then, for the next eight hours or so and random days in the next week, month…I have to go do something and be something I don’t want to do or be. Knowing this, I have anxiety about what will happen to me. Because what often does is this: by the end of the day, I’ve experienced a dread, then a fog, then, uh oh, I don’t feel so well…The Forgetting!…is happening!

How long can I hold on to these feelings of inspiration and joy? Don’t let go! I’m losing my grip! A final plea I’m not even aware of says quick, lock your doors, don’t allow these menial tasks, that tone in a co-worker’s voice, the crappy staff food lying around, the gossip, my body’s aches, my tiredness, into this sanctuary! Suddenly it’s the zombie apocalypse and I’m back in my old identity, having completely forgotten. What? Forgotten my power, who I really am, my innate knowing that all this is an illusion. I don’t have to let this job, and the fact that my ego thinks I shouldn’t be doing this, affect me. That is a choice. I am unlimited and this job is just part of the path to what I know is on it’s way. It’s my training ground, my spiritual bootcamp if you will.

In my current, expanded and relaxed state, I know that. But the more time that goes by in the day, on the job, I start to identify with what I’m doing, the role I’m playing. And soon The Forgetting starts to weave it’s spell. The space that was allowing in all the inspired ideas and new ways I was thinking about myself starts to get smaller and smaller. The thoughts that were reminding me of who I really am, and that even this job can be fun because I know it’s temporary, can no longer even occur to me.

They are outside my limited personality that’s getting caught up in chiming in with co-workers, telling old stories, and complaining about one thing or another. Those thoughts, “that are lovely and of good report” (-Neville Goddard) are beyond this narrow perspective, just outside the barrier that The Forgetting has enclosed me in, knocking patiently. But I can’t hear them. And then, I’m back to the person who’s putting herself down because she can’t believe she’s still doing this for a living.

The endless slippery slope of what that one destructive thought creates, lands me in a state of confusion, exhaustion and numbness by the end of the night. Now The Forgetting has settled in and I go to sleep in the itching discomfort of something being very wrong. This truly is a horror movie. The horror of thinking those illusions are real is playing to the sold out crowd of insecure, doubting and fearful personalities in my brain.

But here’s the rub. Life will always be presenting unwanted circumstances. And when we do get what we want, something else comes up that we don’t want. And we want something else again. This is the human experience, and we chose it. We wanted to play a game, the ultimate game, on ourselves. The only way to keep expanding was to forget who we really are, and be presented with contrast. We can’t see the light without the dark. Thus, we would then do, then finally be, whatever it would take to remember. With each new peek of who we really are, we are now even more than we were before. And when we’ve learned all there is to know here, we’ll move on to the next planet, vibration, frequency, whatever you want to call it. And we’ll begin a whole new adventure. If we always knew that we were God, the Universe would no longer be infinite, it would keep banging it’s head against the wall and start to shrink! And the Universe would be all, “say what, God? I can’t even be called The Universe anymore? Now I’m Mini Me Universe?! This is so boring!”.

So back to Groundhog Day. I wake up, shower, make my tea, put my headphones in, listen to my favorite music or talks that remind me, meditate, and start the entire process of Remembering all over again. Then, not always, but often by the evening, The Forgetting starts sneaking under the door of my consciousness. But after all, only our minds can make a hell of heaven, and a heaven of hell.

So, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! I shall create a game out of this too, and a new determination. How long can The Remembering last? Can I Remember all the way through to when my head hits the pillow? What if I really could? What vistas, what worlds await me. Tomorrow is Day #1. Let’s find out!

 

Infinity Me and Little Me, sittin’ in a tree

Last night I got up on a stage, in front of a sold out crowd of 650 people, to tell my five minute story. Holy crap. It wasn’t awful, and it wasn’t great, perfect! That’s all I wanted to accomplish, as the only way I was able to have the nerves to do that in the first place was to keep reminding myself that failing is part of the path. And what would have been failing anyway? Panic attack and giving up? Maybe. But even that, at least I leapt! And that’s not a failure. Just doing it is the point, the only point that I decided would matter.

That, and that I just want to learn; thus, to grow. That’s all experience is really for.  Then the clincher, allow that growing to make us know that all we have to do is just Be anyway. We forget in all the doing and learning and growing that we already had it, we already are the answer to all of our questions. One question going into this was to simply find out more about myself. From that new knowledge, I continue to expand. So Being becomes simply allowing myself to continue with the next right step, instead of resisting that step with fear. And knowing what the right step is can only come from allowing myself to Be. What a paradox it all is! “And I love that” (-Kyle Cease).

So back to specifics, what I learned from last night. I learned that while waiting to see if my name would be called (contestants put their name in a hat, only ten get picked), I wasn’t as horribly nervous with the usual symptoms as I thought I’d be. In these situations, my heartbeat often betrays me. It feels like a gorilla in a cage, beating on my chest to get out. It makes my breath shallow and my voice loses it’s resonance. I feel like asking the person next to me, “do you see this thing?!” It’s so heavy and strong that I’m sure the protrusions must be visible on the outside.

But this time, not so much. Until of course, my name was actually called – #4 out of 10 storytellers. As I jumped out of my seat to walk to the stage, at least I had the relief of “thank god I didn’t have to suffer through to 10!”. But once I got to the microphone stand, whoo lord, there came the gorilla. I said “Hi” into the mic, and was acutely aware that I already felt breathless. So I took as much air in as I could, and turned my head to the left to exhale. I didn’t want to blanket that scared-shitless-breath onto the audience, they didn’t deserve that. Let the stupid air take it. “Screw you, air!”

I began. And like in similar past situations, I was not in my body. I was not calm, or in the moment. Little Me was slightly to the right of my body going “don’t forget that line! oh shit you forgot that line! omg now you have to make something up! this is sucking! they’re not laughing! this story is too intense, you’re making everyone uncomfortable!”. Meanwhile, Infinity Me was chuckling.

Infinity Me, my good buddy, has been talking to Little Me more lately. “You’re doing just fine, you always are, you’re so cute and funny when you freak out, I’m laughing, see?”. Little Me noticed but tried to ignore Infinity Me. “Whatever dude, they’re not, I’m dying up here!”. And lo and behold, I go completely blank. I am now somewhere between Little Me and Infinity Me. The next line has escaped me. I pause, and manage to play it off for a second, thinking “stay with me people, this is part of the brilliant drama of the piece!” Infinity Me then whispers, “just make something up, they won’t know the difference”. So, I obey. I keep going, while also aware I’ve skipped a whole paragraph somewhere. And now, the all important last line has escaped me. But Little Me is quiet. I don’t panic. Now I’m just noticing the fear instead of becoming it, and a variation of the line pops out that’s not half bad. Done!

As I walk off the stage, Little Me wakes up, “oh god that was awkward!”. I proceed to step down onto what looks like the steps, but it’s actually the speakers, just barely keeping myself from falling. “Omg how embarrasing!” A kind, elderly gentleman in the front row gets out of his seat to extend his hand. I recover graciously and walk a few rows back to sink into my own lonely seat, pretending to enjoy the next storyteller, “haha! see everyone, I’m so relaxed and don’t care that I’m so disappointed, haha!” When the story ended (“got a better score than me, of course!”), the nice man who helped me gets out of his seat and walks over to where I’m sitting. He reaches for my hand again and leans down to look me in the eye. “I really liked your story. It was genuine and sincere.” Well then. Of all the compliments I could have gotten, I’ll gladly take that one. His name is Ralph and I run into him later as I’m leaving. Tomorrow he’s going to Shakespeare in the Park. “It’s going to be so fun. Hope to see you at the next Slam!” Ok Ralph, if you say so.

When the final scores came in, I landed pretty square in the middle. The middle, between Little Me and Infinity Me, was where I was on stage. I played matchmaker. I don’t need to dump Little Me for Infinity Me after all. I want them to fall in love. Little Me deserves it, so does Ralph. Infinity Me just can’t help it.

 

 

What If

What If? Those two words alone hold within them all the power of the Universe. Oh hell, Infinity, Intuition, Source, God, Science or whatever blah blah blah. Again, I notice, I just added that quip because that was me being self conscious that you’d make an assumption about me because I used the word Universe. Yes, those types can be extremely annoying, and I’m certainly one of them some of the time. Amy Schumer did a brilliant and hilarious spoof  on that subject on her tv show. I’m also the opposite of that at other times, irritated as all get out at people who call themselves “conscious” and “spiritual” and have no sense of humor. I’d rather shoot the shit with the guy who bags my groceries at TJs. But my point being, I was already feeling the need to censor what I was saying in just the second sentence.

Act as If is the eager sister to What If. It also holds the power to create worlds, but What If is the Big Bang. What if…I truly write this thing like a journal and really didn’t give a crap about what “people” think? And Universe help me, who are these people again? Why does it matter and what’s the worst that could happen? Some of them would not like me. Great! I’m that much closer to my people then. Good riddance.

Why Not is the tipsy uncle to What If. Today, there is no answer to the tipsy uncle, it’s not a question anymore. Why Not has just become a statement. It is done. There is no reason to not. To not what? Tell the whole damn truth up in here. I simply remain with the question of What If? What if next week when I go up on that stage (if my name gets picked) and I fall flat on my face? Meaning, nobody laughs or utters a sound, I stutter, I blank out, I forget the most important parts, my heart does it’s usual beating out of my chest but this time everyone can actually see it. It’s so loud and so overpowering that it halts my voice and I can’t even speak properly, it causes me to be short of breath and I look like I might faint. Ah, that reminds me of what happened to Kyle Cease when he started having stage fright for the first time as a comedian, after fifteen or so years of doing it. It got so bad that he created this new fear about fainting on stage. “What if I could make myself faint on stage? What if I faint while taping my big Comedy Central special?”(paraphrasing). Sometimes, the worst fear leads to the deepest suffering, which in turn can lead to an awakening into a whole new way of living, a whole new identity.

I get that fear now, it just occurred to me, but it occurred to me in the best way. Because right now I’m actually trying to think of what’s the worst that could happen, taking it all the way to the the end, not freaking out and trying to figure out how to prevent that end. Because if I surrender to possibly failing the first time, the first many times, ok, so what? Failing, or even doing a meh job, would actually be just fine. The thing is, if I am great the first time, and the next time and just continue to be, the day will come eventually when I do fail in some way, and I’d have to deal with it then anyway. But it would probably be a much harsher pill to swallow.

I know this from experience. I was great at dancing and got all the lead roles easily when I was young. Then one day, I got fat, or fat by ballet’s standards. So to me, I’d failed. And it’s taken me years to come to terms with the self-doubt that created. All the attention was too soon, I wasn’t really ready for it.

What if I accepted that I likely will suck at this new thing at first, and that is A-Ok? Yay, I went through that and I’m still here and as God is my witness I’ll never go hungry again! I mean, as God is my witness I’ll never let failing stop me again! Scarlett O’Hara Redux. Because after that, if I do fall flat on my face, I now vow, in the words of Steely Dan, to go back, Jack and to DO IT AGAIN. That’s what I know is different. This time, I’ve decided beforehand that if the worst happens, it’s just fine and good and I’ll be learning something. The failing itself (I now know, not just speculate) will make me get better. So now I can relax. I can maybe even have fun. It is childhood, giving adulthood a hug and a kick in the ass. It is nature’s way. It is part of getting good at something, anything, but especially something important that holds a lot of meaning and purpose and fear. On the flip side, the actual purpose of the fear itself is to let us know we’re on the right track. The fear shows us our purpose. If I’m really scared of this thing, dammit, that means I know I have to do it.

So if I continue with this line of thinking, this also means that if I’m afraid of what people think, that means I have to say it. Ah yes, thanks Self. That may seem obvious to you, reader, but sometimes things just click at the right moment. And since I’m trying this whole “I really don’t care what you think” thing out, though I love you and want what’s best for you, please move on if this is turning you off. You’re actually just an aspect of myself that I don’t need anymore. So thanks for your disapproval, it’s made me who I am up to this moment, it’s your actual (imagined in my mind) disapproval that has helped me surpass needing it in the first place. “The circle of liiife!”

I got what I needed to know by putting fingers to keyboard, letting my real voice talk and wander, and it gave me the answer it needed, however simple. Sometimes you hear the same thing your whole life, but you’re hearing it only from a certain narrow perspective, then you hear it once from a new, wider and heightened perspective and it takes on total significance. I feel fear of being more honest, which simply means that’s what I’m supposed to say. Hmm, yes that feels true. But also there is a caveat, that isn’t actually always the case. Of course there’s plenty of things that if I said them, it actually wouldn’t be the best thing; for me. Maybe for someone else, but me is all I got. So, here’s where wisdom comes in, where all these years of practice listening to my heart gallups in to save the day.

All I can do is continue to listen for the truth, trust if something feels off, and either say it or don’t say it. The reason this time though, the deciding factor, shall be wisdom and knowing, not fear.

 

 

Questions to stop asking

There are so many things I want to talk about, and of course the clincher is what to say right now. I get hung up on, what is the most pressing to work on? What do I want to, again, get done here? Write about my new life cleanse, my upcoming talk, my show, a daily journal instead? When I think I’ve decided, then this road sign in my subconsious immediately shows up to say, “Stop! Uncharted territory, go back to safety”.

I think I’ve narrowed down that road sign’s real voice – “who is going to read this?!” And more to the point, who is going to read this whose opinion of this I care about? Certain people have been popping into my head and when they do, there’s a tinge of anxiety. “Oh god, if they knew this then…” Well, then, what? They would think differently of me, look down on me, know my weaknesses, and therefore, be more capable of hurting me? Is that what it is? Ok, then what? How could they hurt me?

Aha, I think I’ve reached the end. The part of me, the real me, the I, that is all knowing, all powerful and all love, that part knows they can’t hurt me. But the little personality me struggles with the question of “they could hurt me…in some way! I don’t even know how, but they just could!”

Well, isn’t it better to at least see that the little me can’t even see how they could hurt me? Yes, that’s already a step up. I can’t even think of what it is exactly they could do, probably because I’ve only just started to go public with myself. I realize that the more I do this, the more risks I take, the more fear I conquer, the more challenges and new fears to overcome will of course continue to show up, and in bigger forms than before.

But strangely, I’m not caring, and more importantly, not even thinking of any one terrible thing that could happen if I speak my truth. So instead of trying to come up with something, I’m going to move on, up and out, of putting any of my precious attention on that crap. Crap is actually a benign word for it, Insidious Evil is more like it.

So, whoever that person is, who, if I knew they saw this I’d feel humiliated and victimized, whoever they are doesn’t even exist.  They are living their own lives within their own minds and whatever I think they’re thinking is not even true. ‘They’ are simply a feeling of something “out there” that’s going to get me, somehow, some way. And nothing ever is. I am forever.

Therefore, here it is, last night was a struggle. After the last post, though there was some relief to be writing, I ate what I didn’t want to eat out of some vague anxiety that I couldn’t put my finger on, I sabotaged my good feelings, and it doesn’t even matter. The work is this – stop trying to figure out why I do things that hurt me, just let it happen, notice it. Stop trying to know who could hurt me.  Feel the pain of not knowing how to be this amazing person I want to be. I will never know how, or why or who, I can only know through. That pain is just the little me continuing to fight for survival. I acknowledge her, I forgive her, I love her and I continue, through, with the other me, the I Already AM by my side who knows everything is always working out exactly as it must.