21 Days, Day 4 – everyone else

Facebook, the good and the evil. I shared yesterday’s post on a private facebook group, of like-minded creatives and meditators and, of course, got caught up in checking how many likes and comments I was getting. Look, I’m falling for it again! Noticing how I was being affected, though not even acknowledging it to myself at first, but very soon I did.  “See, this is the illusion”.

It’s not even so bad that I was getting caught up in wanting and needing validation and approval from strangers, I let that go, I’m getting better! It’s just the overall slow moving, rising wave of confusion that sets in the more I check updates, scroll down my newsfeed, click on videos, google that person, send a friend request, scroll through their page, and wait a minute, where was I? I went from (post meditation) having a serene, solid knowing of who I am, and that there is one easy answer right in front of me, I write it down, it flows from there, to…Maybe I should do that? Maybe just try to get as many youtube subscribers as possible, just make daily videos of me talking, yeah this writing thing and wanting to blog daily and create a show is a waste of time, who cares, nobody goes to the theater anymore. Wait I could put a video of it on youtube. Who cares, nobody wants to actually read two pages of text anymore, much less sit still and watch someone talk on stage for 20 minutes. Wait, what do you think a TED Talk is? Who cares, mine won’t be all that profound if I’m just talking about my….wait, what do you think adding characters and dancing and great storytelling and music is? That’s a dynamic, life changing performance is what that is. Who cares, I’m not Don Reed, that’s not me, I can’t do what he…holy hell. Look what I just did?

No more. “Everyone else” is a destroyer. I love so many of these people whose posts I read in that private group. We’re all wanting and trying to do the same thing really, express ourselves. But I’m watching THEM express themselves! I’ve been doing that my whole life. Sure, I’m “expressing myself” on there too, but even that is within a narrow frame of what I really want to be doing. I can now admit that I’ve been trying to fit myself in to what I think the world would like. Ah, I’ve been trying to fit in. And I see their daily videos and sometimes think, “ok, I should do that, I guess that’s how you get a following”.

But wait a minute! Is that what I want to do? NO. I want to do this. So I remember again, the word I come back to when the temptation to indulge in checking my phone and watching-everyone-else chaos, mind chaos, food chaos, outside world chaos, reaches it’s tipping point – refrain. Meditate, write, dance and refrain.

The adventure of a lifetime

I just meditated for an hour and a half. I AM all of you reading this right now. I am Shiva, who is within her little circle, sitting in front of me on my little altar with buddha and candle, who was waiting there to greet me when I opened my eyes. I am the clouds and the little bright torquise flicks of light that showed up ever so fleetingly while I was in this wide open space. I was the little kids playing outside, who were then splashing in the pool of my dream home in LA that I also visited just now.

I was behind the veil, getting little peeks. We are all existing behind the veil of this world. And in meditation, in the longest and deepest one of my life, just now, I see that being in this body is not ever going to let me see all of it. That is why I chose to inhabit it. The whole adventure, of not ever being quite sure of who I am, of what is out there, in the infinity of space. The space is me. Even now as my humanness is waking up and the God that is me is fading with every second, I know that all of life is within me. I created all of it.

While I’m looking around the room at the concreteness of this existence in my human form, I feel closer. I am able to hold on longer to the knowing. I saw in that last hour and a half that all of hesitation is materialized in the form of different people and potential circumstances that I created. The hesitation is represented in whispers of people saying things to themselves and to me and about me that are criticisms, that are negations of me. Those people, known and unknown, and circumstances, known and unknown, don’t exist. They don’t exist as I’ve thought, which is all that matters.

This, what I’m typing out right now, the purring cat rubbing up against my head, as I’m sitting on the floor against my bed, the fear of judgement if I say all this, if I say anything that matters, does not matter at all. “None of it matters”. Those were the words that flashed in front of me, and spoke to me. The most comforting words ever to be heard or seen up to now. None of the fear matters, is what it meant. Say it all. Be it all. Because I am. None of the people or consequences, that we think will stop us, exist. If none of you reading this are real, since you are really me, then I invented you for my own enjoyment and to further expand me into this realization. Then I am free. I am free to say and do and be all that I want. Nothing that you or life can say or do matters. The beauty of this knowing only reveals itself in tiny increments along the way of my little human life. It shows me that it’s all utterly hilarious.

Meow just now, more rubbing and gentle grunts from my cat. An incredibly timely post and video today from Kyle Cease, declaring how excited he is for the event that I, only a week ago, decided was in the cards for me. I must attend. I am driving to LA. I am choosing power and glory. Within that decision lay every yearning I’ve ever had realized. Because now it doesn’t matter what comes of it. I already know that by just deciding to go, I am on my way. The highway of the greatest adventure of my life opened up. As it did in the meditation. It was an image, always a flash, of the beginning of a straight road, the horizon off in the distance. Then, the train’s horn sounded outside, in my “real” life. I live next to the tracks. My cat just pressed his front paws against my head, feeling to me like he was standing on it, for the first time ever, as I was writing the previous sentence. There is barely an inner censor in this moment. I am typing everything that pops into my mind. But I was making a point just then!

I had seen a glimpse of what seemed like a highway, but it was also the tracks of a train. The Train of Transformation. And the horn just declared me to myself. My cat just stood on my head. Shiva just moved in front of me. Nothing is real except the dreamscape of the unknown coming into the Known. The Known is me. The Known is all of you. You are my creation. I do not care what you think as I am typing this. My little human self knows that this feeling will shift again and I will go back to living within my little narrow life, for a time. But still, I AM. Therefore, I KNOW. None of it matters. It’s all fodder for the fiction book my soul is writing in every second. The adventure that spans all of time and space. I am free right now. This too shall pass and I will begin to care again what you think and what happens if. That is beautiful and so, so funny. It is my creation after all. And I am going to post this right now before I re-read it again and edit and copy and paste and get self-conscious. That little Lia is going back to the womb, one little whimper at a time.

 

The Forgetting Returns (or so it thinks)

This blog thing is basically my journal right now. Is there something wrong with that? That’s a Little Me question. I don’t have the energy to care. Maybe my age is finally loaning me a favor, thank god. So I fell into the Dark Side again this past week, after having not gone there in quite awhile. I have been going through so many changes within myself that have allowed me to start writing more, meditate more consistently and for much longer than I ever have, and that has helped me to get more attuned to my heart and body and what they really need. I even stepped out and onto the stage of the big bad world to finally express it. I had been making great strides.

Then I had The Fall. The stress and pressure of taking care of my Mom, being her only support in almost every way, came to a head again when I had to spend another entire precious day off dealing with her needs. All of it, the financial pressure, her mental state, her constant and total reliance on me, just hit a boiling point. We got in a big argument and I spent the whole day crying off and on, between the shopping and phone calls and bickering.

We always make up and then it’s better again but this time it took so much out of me that the next two days I was utterly exhausted; cried some more from the stress of it, and my job situation, and my housemate, and underneath that, just wanting to have enough time and energy and clarity to sit down and write. This amounted to me feeling like I went from powerful and exuberant creator the previous week, to whimpering teenager with no confidence or motivation the next. Then I went to work and was so affected by other people’s energies, I came to the conclusion that “I just can’t handle doing this work anymore! I’ve got to change my life!”

But then, just now, it came to me again. Those people’s energies, and the job, only affect me that way when I’m in a doubting, fearful place about myself and my life. In that state, I’d be feeling that way about any job. On the other hand, when I’m trusting, knowing and doing what I need to do outside the work to feel good and excited about what is coming, the job doesn’t affect me at all. In fact, I sometimes enjoy it.

The Forgetting had started to overtake me again last week and Little Me only wanted to just escape, quit. But. I know that right now, that job is the most allowing of me to follow my path as any I could have at the moment. It does drain me often but not always. The thing is, I don’t have to let it. And it does allow for the freedom of saying yes or no to work. I’m not bound to any of it. Quitting and stressing more about money and having to start a whole new job right now would actually only add further stress to my life. It would postpone, yet again, my writing and speaking and being the person I want to be, am, NOW. Quitting would really be my self-sabotage pattern taking over, again.

The reason the job seems, seemed, so crappy, is that I didn’t feel I was strong enough. “I just can’t do it. The Forgetting is too powerful. I don’t like who I am when I’m there, I’m going to run away to the next thing!” That’s what it would be if I quit right now. I’d be running away from myself, not facing what I know I need to do in order to really change – Be my Glorious Goddess Self NOW. That means doing what it takes to treat myself how she deserves to be treated; to feel as her, now. I don’t have to wait for the right circumstances. If that’s what I believe, the right circumstances will never come.

I can do this.

It’s coming, lock your doors…The Forgetting!

I love Aziz Ansari’s show on Netflix, ‘Master of None’. In the last episode of the first season, he’s a struggling actor and is at the premiere of a bad scary movie he has a small part in. He’s invited his friends, is very excited, and before they walk into the theater he plays a game with them, a gotcha joke. “Wait, you guys, I’m not feeling well…I think ‘The Sickening’!.. is happening!” It’s adorable. And that moment is the comedic version of what happens to me, at work.

I’ve had a respite this week, my own little vacation. I purposely didn’t make any plans involving anyone else, I didn’t go out of town. Right now, not filling my precious time off with more stuff to do and people to be with was what I needed most. I decided I would call this my retreat, my sabbatical. I’d make my priorities just meditating, writing, exercising, eating mostly fruits and vegetables, in that order, and refraining from facebooking, netflixing and eating or thinking too much. I used my time wisely, today is my last day off and I’ve made huge strides. I even took huge, scary action. I’m more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been. I’m remembering more consistently who I am. Gosh, this is the life!

And yet tomorrow, I start back up with the jobs. I shall begin the day in the same way as I have been; meditating, writing and exercising. But then. Then, for the next eight hours or so and random days in the next week, month…I have to go do something and be something I don’t want to do or be. Knowing this, I have anxiety about what will happen to me. Because what often does is this: by the end of the day, I’ve experienced a dread, then a fog, then, uh oh, I don’t feel so well…The Forgetting!…is happening!

How long can I hold on to these feelings of inspiration and joy? Don’t let go! I’m losing my grip! A final plea I’m not even aware of says quick, lock your doors, don’t allow these menial tasks, that tone in a co-worker’s voice, the crappy staff food lying around, the gossip, my body’s aches, my tiredness, into this sanctuary! Suddenly it’s the zombie apocalypse and I’m back in my old identity, having completely forgotten. What? Forgotten my power, who I really am, my innate knowing that all this is an illusion. I don’t have to let this job, and the fact that my ego thinks I shouldn’t be doing this, affect me. That is a choice. I am unlimited and this job is just part of the path to what I know is on it’s way. It’s my training ground, my spiritual bootcamp if you will.

In my current, expanded and relaxed state, I know that. But the more time that goes by in the day, on the job, I start to identify with what I’m doing, the role I’m playing. And soon The Forgetting starts to weave it’s spell. The space that was allowing in all the inspired ideas and new ways I was thinking about myself starts to get smaller and smaller. The thoughts that were reminding me of who I really am, and that even this job can be fun because I know it’s temporary, can no longer even occur to me.

They are outside my limited personality that’s getting caught up in chiming in with co-workers, telling old stories, and complaining about one thing or another. Those thoughts, “that are lovely and of good report” (-Neville Goddard) are beyond this narrow perspective, just outside the barrier that The Forgetting has enclosed me in, knocking patiently. But I can’t hear them. And then, I’m back to the person who’s putting herself down because she can’t believe she’s still doing this for a living.

The endless slippery slope of what that one destructive thought creates, lands me in a state of confusion, exhaustion and numbness by the end of the night. Now The Forgetting has settled in and I go to sleep in the itching discomfort of something being very wrong. This truly is a horror movie. The horror of thinking those illusions are real is playing to the sold out crowd of insecure, doubting and fearful personalities in my brain.

But here’s the rub. Life will always be presenting unwanted circumstances. And when we do get what we want, something else comes up that we don’t want. And we want something else again. This is the human experience, and we chose it. We wanted to play a game, the ultimate game, on ourselves. The only way to keep expanding was to forget who we really are, and be presented with contrast. We can’t see the light without the dark. Thus, we would then do, then finally be, whatever it would take to remember. With each new peek of who we really are, we are now even more than we were before. And when we’ve learned all there is to know here, we’ll move on to the next planet, vibration, frequency, whatever you want to call it. And we’ll begin a whole new adventure. If we always knew that we were God, the Universe would no longer be infinite, it would keep banging it’s head against the wall and start to shrink! And the Universe would be all, “say what, God? I can’t even be called The Universe anymore? Now I’m Mini Me Universe?! This is so boring!”.

So back to Groundhog Day. I wake up, shower, make my tea, put my headphones in, listen to my favorite music or talks that remind me, meditate, and start the entire process of Remembering all over again. Then, not always, but often by the evening, The Forgetting starts sneaking under the door of my consciousness. But after all, only our minds can make a hell of heaven, and a heaven of hell.

So, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! I shall create a game out of this too, and a new determination. How long can The Remembering last? Can I Remember all the way through to when my head hits the pillow? What if I really could? What vistas, what worlds await me. Tomorrow is Day #1. Let’s find out!

 

To be or not to be in “the zone”

I recently started an Experiment. Fits and starts is actually more like it. I even made sure to capitalize the E. That would make me do it! I decided to:

  1. Go on a cleanse. Meaning, for me, a self-designed “program”. Again, I used that particular word in the hopes it would strengthen my Great Intention. For however long I can, it was simply, I’m gonna just eat veggies (raw, juice, salads, soups) and fruits and a vegan protein shake with almond milk and chia seeds. I also decided to allow myself some sweet fixes like a few ginger chewies and one or two pieces of dark chocolate. The thought of not having even a tiny sweet fix is just a little too much to take right now.  I didn’t have a deadline or end date. This time, I wanted to keep going past a day or two, which I’d never done before. I wanted to see, how healthy I could really get? What if I just keep going? What kind of miracles await me?
  2.  And meditate for an hour every day. I’ve already been meditating on and off since I was 27, but in the last year or so had made a better effort to do it almost every morning for, well, at least five minutes, sometimes twenty, twenty being the goal, but sometimes, mostly ten or fifteen.

The first few days, wow, I did it! I was pretty amazed about the cleanse part. I actually only ate veggies and fruit and shakes the first two, and felt incredible (more on that later), but then a little slip here and there but pretty good. The point was though, I didn’t exactly stick to it wholeheartedly. So, after a week, I started again. Every morning in fact, I decided, I would just keep starting again, until. Like when you first start riding a bike. You gotta fall off a few times, before you can just ride.

So now I’m on New Day 12. On Day 10, I fell off the wagon. To most people it wouldn’t seem like overeating. I already eat really healthy, have been mostly vegan for the last four years or so. Oh lord, plant-based if the V word turns you off. Believe me, I understand (more later). But I do go off it. The point is, I fell off the wagon of keeping my word to myself. But I also decided from that, ok, every 10 days I’ll have a cheat day!

Normally, in all my life, the way I would respond to letting myself down would be the usual default pattern of most humans – berate myself, both consciously and subconsciously, and sabotage my progress and my improving self-esteem with all sorts of destructive thoughts and behaviors. I won’t get into my past here, that’s for another time. Yes, you’ll have to just get on with your life until then. But this time, and this had almost everything to do with the increase in meditation, I decided I would not beat myself up. I would really catch (was getting better at this now) when I would find myself feeling in a weird/shitty mood. I was becoming more able to pin-point the first thoughts that led to it, that very slow and painful process of going from feeling great to, just a few moments later, being in a fog of confusion about why I’d suddenly succumb to doubt and fear.

I started saying “I forgive myself”. What a concept. How obvious yet so very hard for most of us.  I decided that would be my new mantra, all day long. When noticing falling into my old patterns of saying any variation to myself of “I can’t believe I just said that/acted like that/did that”, “I can’t believe I’m still (fill in the blank), “I’m so (fill in the blank)”, “I might never (fill in the blank).”, “what if I’m always going to (fill in the blank)” etc, I’d stop and say, “I forgive myself”. It seems so trite, maybe, but only if you’re just hearing those words and you’re not actually doing it. What would it take to actually, truly, forgive yourself for every self-defeating thought? Go sit on a park bench like Eckhart and ponder that for a few years, you won’t be disappointed.

Of course I know, these seemingly demonic habits are universal. The suffering we inflict on ourselves on a daily basis, which most of us aren’t even aware of most of the time, is beyond any we can inflict on others. And even just that, realizing everyone does it; “it’s not just me, I’m not crazy” is the beginning of climbing back up.

So today, I started out with an idea of what I wanted to get done on my day off. Actually, it was the intention I set yesterday. But, inevitably, on the actual day, today, I didn’t feel the same way I felt when I made my precious list. Shocking! I was low energy and uninspired. In fact, this post is still reflecting that feeling. It’s kind of forced and awkward and not flowing. Yet, I soldier on!

I did get my workout in, but I ended up just doing grocery shopping and cooking and prepping my food for dinner and for all day tomorrow and some of the next. Now, getting my workout in (more on that later too), didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment because it’s just part of my routine now. Before you think…oh, who cares what you think, right? Just saying, it’s taken me years to get to that point where “working out”, blech, is actually something I want to do. You have no idea (just one more, more on that later!). But this was the mindset I was in today – that I need to “accomplish, make it happen!”. When I started noticing my resistance to doing the one thing I really want to do, the one thing I told myself I should do, the creeping fog of self doubt started to emerge. So that’s the habit, if I don’t do the thing I told myself I’d do, I can’t even give myself credit for doing something that to some people would be a major accomplishment, working out. “Eh, but there’s so mch more I’m supposed to be doing” *whine, sulk…The slippery slope began.

And yet. It ended there. I decided, if I’m not going to do the thing I really want to do, actually had convinced myself I should do, I can at least meditate again. I decided, I’m going to go for a full hour. This is something I’d only ever done once before, and that was a few days ago. I’d already meditated 20 minutes this morning. Again, hey, something I can now give myself credit for! So I thought, ok, if nothing else, get this done. Just do it.

I did. And something was lifted, something always is. (More on that later, especially). But my point is, I hoped it would put me back in the flow, in the zone of letting my thoughts pour out of me into inspired revelations of power and creativity! But, like those first few attempts at a bike, fits and starts. I do feel so much better. What is that? What exactly feels better? How I’m thinking about myself. I got a glimpse of who I really am. Everything. So how can All That Is judge and criticize this silly little personality? It, I, can’t. But my silly little personality is stil very much fighting for breath.

So that’s where I am right now. Better after I meditated for an hour, much more calm and allowing of myself just as I am, but also not quite feeling that high that I know I can feel. That’s the striving though, and there is no way to that feeling. It either is or it isn’t. Trying to feel it is just another addiction, and the beginning of another, and another. But this time, learning to allow myself to be and feel everything that’s in me, is also exactly right, the greatest lesson, and as it should be. To live by the words of my all time favorite song, Let It Be.

And hey, at least I stuck to my cleanse. Ok I didn’t do the one thing I told myself I’d do. Oh wait, I kinda did. But I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, I wasn’t in the flow of joy and ease when I did it! Oh jesus, listen to myself. It really is ridiculous, what we put ourselves through.

And what was the thing I told myself I’d do today, that I didn’t do? I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, but screw it all to hell, I DID DO IT?

Write.