21 Days, Day 1

August 13th, 4:30pm

“It takes 21 days to break a habit”. I’m making another decision. I just wrote about this in my journal which I can already tell is the beginning of my show and my book. But here, I just want to have a daily document of the beginning of my true transformation. All the reasons why I have made this first thing, this initial 21 days, to be solely focused on my body; what I put into it and what I don’t, and what I require of it physically. I will tell you about why it’s #1 in detail later, in the coming posts.

But right now, I must complete today’s first task. Well, second. The first one is done. I meditated for an hour. Now I go outside to move my body. Today it’s not a class or two like it will be almost every other day, today is hiking the hill, among the trees, by walking out my front door and going. I am setting myself free. And you are coming with me.

 

 

It’s coming, lock your doors…The Forgetting!

I love Aziz Ansari’s show on Netflix, ‘Master of None’. In the last episode of the first season, he’s a struggling actor and is at the premiere of a bad scary movie he has a small part in. He’s invited his friends, is very excited, and before they walk into the theater he plays a game with them, a gotcha joke. “Wait, you guys, I’m not feeling well…I think ‘The Sickening’!.. is happening!” It’s adorable. And that moment is the comedic version of what happens to me, at work.

I’ve had a respite this week, my own little vacation. I purposely didn’t make any plans involving anyone else, I didn’t go out of town. Right now, not filling my precious time off with more stuff to do and people to be with was what I needed most. I decided I would call this my retreat, my sabbatical. I’d make my priorities just meditating, writing, exercising, eating mostly fruits and vegetables, in that order, and refraining from facebooking, netflixing and eating or thinking too much. I used my time wisely, today is my last day off and I’ve made huge strides. I even took huge, scary action. I’m more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been. I’m remembering more consistently who I am. Gosh, this is the life!

And yet tomorrow, I start back up with the jobs. I shall begin the day in the same way as I have been; meditating, writing and exercising. But then. Then, for the next eight hours or so and random days in the next week, month…I have to go do something and be something I don’t want to do or be. Knowing this, I have anxiety about what will happen to me. Because what often does is this: by the end of the day, I’ve experienced a dread, then a fog, then, uh oh, I don’t feel so well…The Forgetting!…is happening!

How long can I hold on to these feelings of inspiration and joy? Don’t let go! I’m losing my grip! A final plea I’m not even aware of says quick, lock your doors, don’t allow these menial tasks, that tone in a co-worker’s voice, the crappy staff food lying around, the gossip, my body’s aches, my tiredness, into this sanctuary! Suddenly it’s the zombie apocalypse and I’m back in my old identity, having completely forgotten. What? Forgotten my power, who I really am, my innate knowing that all this is an illusion. I don’t have to let this job, and the fact that my ego thinks I shouldn’t be doing this, affect me. That is a choice. I am unlimited and this job is just part of the path to what I know is on it’s way. It’s my training ground, my spiritual bootcamp if you will.

In my current, expanded and relaxed state, I know that. But the more time that goes by in the day, on the job, I start to identify with what I’m doing, the role I’m playing. And soon The Forgetting starts to weave it’s spell. The space that was allowing in all the inspired ideas and new ways I was thinking about myself starts to get smaller and smaller. The thoughts that were reminding me of who I really am, and that even this job can be fun because I know it’s temporary, can no longer even occur to me.

They are outside my limited personality that’s getting caught up in chiming in with co-workers, telling old stories, and complaining about one thing or another. Those thoughts, “that are lovely and of good report” (-Neville Goddard) are beyond this narrow perspective, just outside the barrier that The Forgetting has enclosed me in, knocking patiently. But I can’t hear them. And then, I’m back to the person who’s putting herself down because she can’t believe she’s still doing this for a living.

The endless slippery slope of what that one destructive thought creates, lands me in a state of confusion, exhaustion and numbness by the end of the night. Now The Forgetting has settled in and I go to sleep in the itching discomfort of something being very wrong. This truly is a horror movie. The horror of thinking those illusions are real is playing to the sold out crowd of insecure, doubting and fearful personalities in my brain.

But here’s the rub. Life will always be presenting unwanted circumstances. And when we do get what we want, something else comes up that we don’t want. And we want something else again. This is the human experience, and we chose it. We wanted to play a game, the ultimate game, on ourselves. The only way to keep expanding was to forget who we really are, and be presented with contrast. We can’t see the light without the dark. Thus, we would then do, then finally be, whatever it would take to remember. With each new peek of who we really are, we are now even more than we were before. And when we’ve learned all there is to know here, we’ll move on to the next planet, vibration, frequency, whatever you want to call it. And we’ll begin a whole new adventure. If we always knew that we were God, the Universe would no longer be infinite, it would keep banging it’s head against the wall and start to shrink! And the Universe would be all, “say what, God? I can’t even be called The Universe anymore? Now I’m Mini Me Universe?! This is so boring!”.

So back to Groundhog Day. I wake up, shower, make my tea, put my headphones in, listen to my favorite music or talks that remind me, meditate, and start the entire process of Remembering all over again. Then, not always, but often by the evening, The Forgetting starts sneaking under the door of my consciousness. But after all, only our minds can make a hell of heaven, and a heaven of hell.

So, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! I shall create a game out of this too, and a new determination. How long can The Remembering last? Can I Remember all the way through to when my head hits the pillow? What if I really could? What vistas, what worlds await me. Tomorrow is Day #1. Let’s find out!

 

Questions to stop asking

There are so many things I want to talk about, and of course the clincher is what to say right now. I get hung up on, what is the most pressing to work on? What do I want to, again, get done here? Write about my new life cleanse, my upcoming talk, my show, a daily journal instead? When I think I’ve decided, then this road sign in my subconsious immediately shows up to say, “Stop! Uncharted territory, go back to safety”.

I think I’ve narrowed down that road sign’s real voice – “who is going to read this?!” And more to the point, who is going to read this whose opinion of this I care about? Certain people have been popping into my head and when they do, there’s a tinge of anxiety. “Oh god, if they knew this then…” Well, then, what? They would think differently of me, look down on me, know my weaknesses, and therefore, be more capable of hurting me? Is that what it is? Ok, then what? How could they hurt me?

Aha, I think I’ve reached the end. The part of me, the real me, the I, that is all knowing, all powerful and all love, that part knows they can’t hurt me. But the little personality me struggles with the question of “they could hurt me…in some way! I don’t even know how, but they just could!”

Well, isn’t it better to at least see that the little me can’t even see how they could hurt me? Yes, that’s already a step up. I can’t even think of what it is exactly they could do, probably because I’ve only just started to go public with myself. I realize that the more I do this, the more risks I take, the more fear I conquer, the more challenges and new fears to overcome will of course continue to show up, and in bigger forms than before.

But strangely, I’m not caring, and more importantly, not even thinking of any one terrible thing that could happen if I speak my truth. So instead of trying to come up with something, I’m going to move on, up and out, of putting any of my precious attention on that crap. Crap is actually a benign word for it, Insidious Evil is more like it.

So, whoever that person is, who, if I knew they saw this I’d feel humiliated and victimized, whoever they are doesn’t even exist.  They are living their own lives within their own minds and whatever I think they’re thinking is not even true. ‘They’ are simply a feeling of something “out there” that’s going to get me, somehow, some way. And nothing ever is. I am forever.

Therefore, here it is, last night was a struggle. After the last post, though there was some relief to be writing, I ate what I didn’t want to eat out of some vague anxiety that I couldn’t put my finger on, I sabotaged my good feelings, and it doesn’t even matter. The work is this – stop trying to figure out why I do things that hurt me, just let it happen, notice it. Stop trying to know who could hurt me.  Feel the pain of not knowing how to be this amazing person I want to be. I will never know how, or why or who, I can only know through. That pain is just the little me continuing to fight for survival. I acknowledge her, I forgive her, I love her and I continue, through, with the other me, the I Already AM by my side who knows everything is always working out exactly as it must.

To be or not to be in “the zone”

I recently started an Experiment. Fits and starts is actually more like it. I even made sure to capitalize the E. That would make me do it! I decided to:

  1. Go on a cleanse. Meaning, for me, a self-designed “program”. Again, I used that particular word in the hopes it would strengthen my Great Intention. For however long I can, it was simply, I’m gonna just eat veggies (raw, juice, salads, soups) and fruits and a vegan protein shake with almond milk and chia seeds. I also decided to allow myself some sweet fixes like a few ginger chewies and one or two pieces of dark chocolate. The thought of not having even a tiny sweet fix is just a little too much to take right now.  I didn’t have a deadline or end date. This time, I wanted to keep going past a day or two, which I’d never done before. I wanted to see, how healthy I could really get? What if I just keep going? What kind of miracles await me?
  2.  And meditate for an hour every day. I’ve already been meditating on and off since I was 27, but in the last year or so had made a better effort to do it almost every morning for, well, at least five minutes, sometimes twenty, twenty being the goal, but sometimes, mostly ten or fifteen.

The first few days, wow, I did it! I was pretty amazed about the cleanse part. I actually only ate veggies and fruit and shakes the first two, and felt incredible (more on that later), but then a little slip here and there but pretty good. The point was though, I didn’t exactly stick to it wholeheartedly. So, after a week, I started again. Every morning in fact, I decided, I would just keep starting again, until. Like when you first start riding a bike. You gotta fall off a few times, before you can just ride.

So now I’m on New Day 12. On Day 10, I fell off the wagon. To most people it wouldn’t seem like overeating. I already eat really healthy, have been mostly vegan for the last four years or so. Oh lord, plant-based if the V word turns you off. Believe me, I understand (more later). But I do go off it. The point is, I fell off the wagon of keeping my word to myself. But I also decided from that, ok, every 10 days I’ll have a cheat day!

Normally, in all my life, the way I would respond to letting myself down would be the usual default pattern of most humans – berate myself, both consciously and subconsciously, and sabotage my progress and my improving self-esteem with all sorts of destructive thoughts and behaviors. I won’t get into my past here, that’s for another time. Yes, you’ll have to just get on with your life until then. But this time, and this had almost everything to do with the increase in meditation, I decided I would not beat myself up. I would really catch (was getting better at this now) when I would find myself feeling in a weird/shitty mood. I was becoming more able to pin-point the first thoughts that led to it, that very slow and painful process of going from feeling great to, just a few moments later, being in a fog of confusion about why I’d suddenly succumb to doubt and fear.

I started saying “I forgive myself”. What a concept. How obvious yet so very hard for most of us.  I decided that would be my new mantra, all day long. When noticing falling into my old patterns of saying any variation to myself of “I can’t believe I just said that/acted like that/did that”, “I can’t believe I’m still (fill in the blank), “I’m so (fill in the blank)”, “I might never (fill in the blank).”, “what if I’m always going to (fill in the blank)” etc, I’d stop and say, “I forgive myself”. It seems so trite, maybe, but only if you’re just hearing those words and you’re not actually doing it. What would it take to actually, truly, forgive yourself for every self-defeating thought? Go sit on a park bench like Eckhart and ponder that for a few years, you won’t be disappointed.

Of course I know, these seemingly demonic habits are universal. The suffering we inflict on ourselves on a daily basis, which most of us aren’t even aware of most of the time, is beyond any we can inflict on others. And even just that, realizing everyone does it; “it’s not just me, I’m not crazy” is the beginning of climbing back up.

So today, I started out with an idea of what I wanted to get done on my day off. Actually, it was the intention I set yesterday. But, inevitably, on the actual day, today, I didn’t feel the same way I felt when I made my precious list. Shocking! I was low energy and uninspired. In fact, this post is still reflecting that feeling. It’s kind of forced and awkward and not flowing. Yet, I soldier on!

I did get my workout in, but I ended up just doing grocery shopping and cooking and prepping my food for dinner and for all day tomorrow and some of the next. Now, getting my workout in (more on that later too), didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment because it’s just part of my routine now. Before you think…oh, who cares what you think, right? Just saying, it’s taken me years to get to that point where “working out”, blech, is actually something I want to do. You have no idea (just one more, more on that later!). But this was the mindset I was in today – that I need to “accomplish, make it happen!”. When I started noticing my resistance to doing the one thing I really want to do, the one thing I told myself I should do, the creeping fog of self doubt started to emerge. So that’s the habit, if I don’t do the thing I told myself I’d do, I can’t even give myself credit for doing something that to some people would be a major accomplishment, working out. “Eh, but there’s so mch more I’m supposed to be doing” *whine, sulk…The slippery slope began.

And yet. It ended there. I decided, if I’m not going to do the thing I really want to do, actually had convinced myself I should do, I can at least meditate again. I decided, I’m going to go for a full hour. This is something I’d only ever done once before, and that was a few days ago. I’d already meditated 20 minutes this morning. Again, hey, something I can now give myself credit for! So I thought, ok, if nothing else, get this done. Just do it.

I did. And something was lifted, something always is. (More on that later, especially). But my point is, I hoped it would put me back in the flow, in the zone of letting my thoughts pour out of me into inspired revelations of power and creativity! But, like those first few attempts at a bike, fits and starts. I do feel so much better. What is that? What exactly feels better? How I’m thinking about myself. I got a glimpse of who I really am. Everything. So how can All That Is judge and criticize this silly little personality? It, I, can’t. But my silly little personality is stil very much fighting for breath.

So that’s where I am right now. Better after I meditated for an hour, much more calm and allowing of myself just as I am, but also not quite feeling that high that I know I can feel. That’s the striving though, and there is no way to that feeling. It either is or it isn’t. Trying to feel it is just another addiction, and the beginning of another, and another. But this time, learning to allow myself to be and feel everything that’s in me, is also exactly right, the greatest lesson, and as it should be. To live by the words of my all time favorite song, Let It Be.

And hey, at least I stuck to my cleanse. Ok I didn’t do the one thing I told myself I’d do. Oh wait, I kinda did. But I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, I wasn’t in the flow of joy and ease when I did it! Oh jesus, listen to myself. It really is ridiculous, what we put ourselves through.

And what was the thing I told myself I’d do today, that I didn’t do? I didn’t do it the way I wanted to, but screw it all to hell, I DID DO IT?

Write.