Tag: neville goddard

Suspended Stars

Reach up and pull yourself down into your body. Let it explore the dull ache, grab hold of it and ask, “what are you”? Feel the stiffness of that clay of pain, mix it up, immerse yourself, swim around, and mold it into something new. Like a lover, it’s only wanting your touch. And it swoons when you ask questions. “What are you covering up and keeping quiet with the fake smile, the extra bite of food, the extra drink, too much Netflix, too many selfies? What are you saying no to? And what are you ignoring?”

Another endless scroll through your life won’t find that scratch to your elusive itch. There will be moments, if you’re one of the lucky ones (you are), but never a whole day. Why is that so unfair? It’s not. It’s exactly right, it’s exactly you. You wrote this script in the sky. Then plopped yourself into your Mama’s belly, to bathe in amnesia. You can’t know the end of the story because there isn’t any. You can only know what you came here to remember; the tragic, hilarious truth.

The doors have been open the whole time. You can get out whenever you want. The prison you think is your limitation, your unworthiness, your inherent flaw, doesn’t exist. You designed this maze called your life, glorious drama and brilliant comedy that it is, because it’s too boring to know the Truth all the time. You had to forget, for the thrill of remembering what’s now projecting onto the screen. You see yourself, shimmering with faith and dimming with doubt. You’re the writer, director, producer, Star. Suspending nirvana so you can dance in flesh. Unraveling you, only to discover, you’re God too. And Shakespeare, and Dr Seuss, laughing at the book signing, “look at all those silly angels in line, waiting for autographs when they can just sign their own books”.

(photo by Adam White)

It’s coming, lock your doors…The Forgetting!

I love Aziz Ansari’s show on Netflix, ‘Master of None’. In the last episode of the first season, he’s a struggling actor and is at the premiere of a bad scary movie he has a small part in. He’s invited his friends, is very excited, and before they walk into the theater he plays a game with them, a gotcha joke. “Wait, you guys, I’m not feeling well…I think ‘The Sickening’!.. is happening!” It’s adorable. And that moment is the comedic version of what happens to me, at work.

I’ve had a respite this week, my own little vacation. I purposely didn’t make any plans involving anyone else, I didn’t go out of town. Right now, not filling my precious time off with more stuff to do and people to be with was what I needed most. I decided I would call this my retreat, my sabbatical. I’d make my priorities just meditating, writing, exercising, eating mostly fruits and vegetables, in that order, and refraining from facebooking, netflixing and eating or thinking too much. I used my time wisely, today is my last day off and I’ve made huge strides. I even took huge, scary action. I’m more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been. I’m remembering more consistently who I am. Gosh, this is the life!

And yet tomorrow, I start back up with the jobs. I shall begin the day in the same way as I have been; meditating, writing and exercising. But then. Then, for the next eight hours or so and random days in the next week, month…I have to go do something and be something I don’t want to do or be. Knowing this, I have anxiety about what will happen to me. Because what often does is this: by the end of the day, I’ve experienced a dread, then a fog, then, uh oh, I don’t feel so well…The Forgetting!…is happening!

How long can I hold on to these feelings of inspiration and joy? Don’t let go! I’m losing my grip! A final plea I’m not even aware of says quick, lock your doors, don’t allow these menial tasks, that tone in a co-worker’s voice, the crappy staff food lying around, the gossip, my body’s aches, my tiredness, into this sanctuary! Suddenly it’s the zombie apocalypse and I’m back in my old identity, having completely forgotten. What? Forgotten my power, who I really am, my innate knowing that all this is an illusion. I don’t have to let this job, and the fact that my ego thinks I shouldn’t be doing this, affect me. That is a choice. I am unlimited and this job is just part of the path to what I know is on it’s way. It’s my training ground, my spiritual bootcamp if you will.

In my current, expanded and relaxed state, I know that. But the more time that goes by in the day, on the job, I start to identify with what I’m doing, the role I’m playing. And soon The Forgetting starts to weave it’s spell. The space that was allowing in all the inspired ideas and new ways I was thinking about myself starts to get smaller and smaller. The thoughts that were reminding me of who I really am, and that even this job can be fun because I know it’s temporary, can no longer even occur to me.

They are outside my limited personality that’s getting caught up in chiming in with co-workers, telling old stories, and complaining about one thing or another. Those thoughts, “that are lovely and of good report” (-Neville Goddard) are beyond this narrow perspective, just outside the barrier that The Forgetting has enclosed me in, knocking patiently. But I can’t hear them. And then, I’m back to the person who’s putting herself down because she can’t believe she’s still doing this for a living.

The endless slippery slope of what that one destructive thought creates, lands me in a state of confusion, exhaustion and numbness by the end of the night. Now The Forgetting has settled in and I go to sleep in the itching discomfort of something being very wrong. This truly is a horror movie. The horror of thinking those illusions are real is playing to the sold out crowd of insecure, doubting and fearful personalities in my brain.

But here’s the rub. Life will always be presenting unwanted circumstances. And when we do get what we want, something else comes up that we don’t want. And we want something else again. This is the human experience, and we chose it. We wanted to play a game, the ultimate game, on ourselves. The only way to keep expanding was to forget who we really are, and be presented with contrast. We can’t see the light without the dark. Thus, we would then do, then finally be, whatever it would take to remember. With each new peek of who we really are, we are now even more than we were before. And when we’ve learned all there is to know here, we’ll move on to the next planet, vibration, frequency, whatever you want to call it. And we’ll begin a whole new adventure. If we always knew that we were God, the Universe would no longer be infinite, it would keep banging it’s head against the wall and start to shrink! And the Universe would be all, “say what, God? I can’t even be called The Universe anymore? Now I’m Mini Me Universe?! This is so boring!”.

So back to Groundhog Day. I wake up, shower, make my tea, put my headphones in, listen to my favorite music or talks that remind me, meditate, and start the entire process of Remembering all over again. Then, not always, but often by the evening, The Forgetting starts sneaking under the door of my consciousness. But after all, only our minds can make a hell of heaven, and a heaven of hell.

So, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! I shall create a game out of this too, and a new determination. How long can The Remembering last? Can I Remember all the way through to when my head hits the pillow? What if I really could? What vistas, what worlds await me. Tomorrow is Day #1. Let’s find out!

 

First Post!

Ok, so this has been years in the making. Why? Because I’ve been blocked creatively and unable to get clarity on who the hell I am (well actually I’m ok with not knowing) and what I want to do, that I just couldn’t decide to do even one thing.

“It’s not that we don’t have anything to say, it’s that we have an infinite amount of things to say” – Somebody Awesome Who Said That Sometime. But so did someone else. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.

Overwhelmed at the choices, that’s how it’s felt. And not only into infinity of possible things to talk about (like that’s not crippling enough), but there’s also an infinite amount of perspectives and angles (just my own!) that I could express those ideas from. All depending on where I am, how I’m feeling, at the moment. Yes I have narrowed it down to some key things to start with, I do have ideas that I’m excited to share with you, dear human. But the planning and getting it right and deciding which thing to start with, that’s what’s kept me from starting. So right now I’m just starting, without knowing where it’s going to lead. And of course, that’s the whole point.

This morning I decided “ooh yeah, I’ll start with that idea! Today’s the day.” And now that idea is not the thing I’m starting with because I just want to have some goddamn fun doing this and not knowing what I’m going to say. That’s what I want most of all. I’m realizing lately how I’ve never really fully allowed myself to play. Having fun isn’t part of my day to day existence. It never really has been. It’s been rare, way too rare. I’ve been too busy analyzing and planning and worrying. And to me, the idea of fun translates, right now that is, to being free and unstuck. By what? By caring about what other people think! That must be it.

That’s what’s at the bottom of so much of our anxiety, if we really keep going with the layers of feelings of unworthiness/what’s wrong with me? problems etc., we find so much of it comes down to, “what does the world think of me? I just want to be accepted! But I don’t deserve it because I’m, well, uh, I did this one thing once, my parents didn’t show me, I never learned, I don’t know what I’m doing, who am I?!” That kind of universal angst.  The thing I want most in the world is to learn how to not give a fuck.

Of course, we all do give a fuck. How can we not? I’ve generally thought of myself as someone who was pretty real overall, not phony like “that person, I’m so much more evolved than that. How sad that some people care so much what other people think of them”. And of course, that observation of someone else, that critique really, is simply of myself. Of “myself, pushed out”, as Neville Goddard would say.

There, I’ve already mentioned one of the most influential people in my life right now, whom I’ve never met and whom (who?) is dead. But also here. I will talk about them (him?) later.

But right now, hell, I’m writing! Finally. And I just found out it’s the Summer Solstice today. The longest day of the year. Perfect, as the process of me finally getting to this point seems like the longest life of my existence, and since I’ve existed through infinity itself, and so have you, and since I am you, and you are me (just a preview of a tangent of one place I’m really probably going with this thing), that’s a hell of a long time. But it’s also all happening right now, a long time is only in my mind of course. I can change who I am in a flash, as I can be all of it, and so can you.

This is my first entry of what I’m feeling, I don’t know for sure, I don’t think, just feel, is the start of something big. I actually put my fingers on the keyboard and started a blog; but more importantly, took the risk to share it with the world. The hardest thing in the world, to the old me. The old me exists within the new me, and I do know she will continue to be there probably also into infiity (unless infinity only exists in this realm, maybe there really is an actual wall at the end of the Universe…until then). But today I’ve decided to love her and I also say hello to the new me. The latest me, that is. The latest me just speaks her mind and lets it out first, without thinking, without planning. That me was always there and I’m so glad to meet her, in this particular body, at this particular nanosecond in time.

So here I go, there’s so much to expand upon and so many ways I could edit this and re-read it and keep going and make it better. But that’s what’s held me back before, needing it to be perfect before I just start. So I’m just starting. Hallelujah! Thank you Tom Cruise! Thank you Oprah Winfrey! And Will Ferrell! (If you get that joke I really hope you keep reading, you’re my people. If you don’t, get the hell out. Just kidding, I love you.)

Happy Living Your Life as Who You Really Are Day! Let’s make it every day! (This message brought to you by someone who’s in the zone, and that will change too of course, and I’m ok with that. Stay tuned.)